In the midst of chaos

Checking in

2009-09-08T06:08:41Z

It's been a long time since I visited LJ. I always think I'll make it home, yet it doesn't end up being that way often.

I am so busy with life that sitting down and typing just doesn't seem so exciting. Yet, I love to see what is happening in the lives of my family here, I just don't make the time to do it often enough.

And so, here I am again, belated but here.

First to anyone who has sent me messages in the past who knows how many months, please forgive me for ignoring you.It wasn't intentional. I'll catch up....

After an insanely busy summer that started with a kick ass DESIRE and ended with O.'s office being painted a funky shade of blue (yes I picked it, shoulda went darker...)
now we are both in the midst of school again.

My work load is insane this semester but I need to get out of the jc I am in and into University or I'll never ... well anyway.

I am taking honors Anatomy with lab, english 102, algebra (still) and honors spanish 185 (second semester beginners spanish but I forgot what happened last semester...)

I quit my little job on campus because the government gave me a little more grant money in the way of work study. I get paid to work for O. now. Kinda cool.

We have hired a housekeeper. The submissive says NO I CAN DO IT, but the reality is that I can't. Not any more. My first week of school saw me with less than 5 hrs of sleep a night. FIRST WEEK! By December I should be a zombie.

If all goes well I will be slicing cadavers next semester in a special class for good boi's who learn the parts of the body.

For now...
just get through learning those parts.

*sigh*

And with that I go listen to HemiSync (Metamusic... stimulates the brain they say) and meditate before I crash so that I can be up at 5 a.m.

and you?

D/s Saturdays

2009-04-26T19:55:40Z

O. and i are lifestylers. We are hard players and invested in the sanctity of our relationships as a D/s relationship. That doesn't mean that i am not bitchy some days or that she finds herself sometimes incpapble of giving explicit and direct information or direction. We are human. Fallible, beautiful creatures full of piss and blood and a river of obscene words. We are so amazing in our filth and our flesh and our love and the laughter and joy that we allow to well up and out of us as we play.
We are all of the metaphors that any poet has ever tried to use to contain the incredible and often indescribable people that we are.

Yesterday we were able to get out of the house, away from the chores and the textbooks and the millions of "things to do". We went to MAsT for a meeting and had a great time listening and sharing and connecting with everyone. It was good to sit in a room of people who think like we think and act like we act in one way or another. I enjoy sharing my ways with others. She enjoys feeling strong and proud of who we are and what we do.
What I realized at the MAsT meeting was that I have changed. I have grown. I am different. I went through a period of several years where anger, fear, deep and serious resentments, clouded my ability to truly surrender completely to Ma'am. We have talked about these things at length but often She struggled to understand, which was fine. It was not always easy for me to understand my own feelings about things. But we got through it. I had to turn to my spiritual basics and work through my fears, angers, insecurities, and intense resentments spiritually so that I could surrender myself to Ma'am the way we both wanted me to. And it worked. She is not connected to "god" in the same manner that I try to be but she gets the IT of life. And that's what counts. Anyway, this is the short version of the reason why spirituality is so vital to me as a person, a woman, and a submissive. If I cannot or do not have my feet firmly planted in the foundations of my Spirit, then I cannot allow my spirit to be controlled.
Simple but noooooooooooot easy. On with our day....

After MAsT (and the dinner afterward) we went to The Academy for a play party. It started off slow and we were feeling almost disappointed in the lack of attendance. We had been looking forward to hanging out with friends and watching some hot play. When we arrived there were some annoying young women bouncing around a little TO MUCH and some femmes who were almost to femme to be able to speak to anyone. *yawn* those kind of people bore me to tears. I almost asked to leave but just as i was going to do so Ma'am suggests we get things going and play.

Ok.

So we pick a funny shaped chain spider web thing that is directly attached to the cement wall (pretty cool effect) and began. Neither of us were sure where the play would lead as I haven't been interestd in "intense sensation" for a long time. I have found it boring and have lacked the energy bring eroticism into pain for my pleasure. And while She likes to play with me and will do whatever i want her to do with me, i still have to connect with her and sex and the juiciness of what we do and I have struggled with that.

But She flogged me hard and that felt good and i felt warmed up and ready for more. Some folks had gathered and were watching the only two dykes at the party play. We did not give them a show, we aren't like that. What we did do was play. She was able to single tail me (and leave lasting marks which hasn't happened in years) and do our favorite new thing, the net zipper, on my breasts. That left the entire room quivering and I swear the bathroom was busy for an hour afterwards (men and their fantasies?)

By the time we were done there was a house full of straight, young, pro and lifestyle players. They all looked like they walked out of a comic magazine or a bad night at Club Hell.
*shrugs* I can either judge them or talk to them.

So off I go to talk.

And I met some great folks. All nice and focused on this way of living. All learning and trying to figure out where they belong in this deal called life. All wandering through the myriad of choices we are given. All people. Piss and blood and hopes.

We went home feeling satisfied and full and when we crawled in bed exhausted it was to hard NOT to smile at our amazing day wallowing in D/s and joy.

Gearing up

2009-04-20T17:38:18Z

And I don't mean in leather.

It's HOT today and I'm excited to be out in the yard working on the potential space for my Calla Lilies. I have already planted seven different kinds of peppers in the 2'X30' space that runs the length of the pool. O. gave me one of those black patio gardens for my birthday and it is now home to four different kinds of tomatoes and one cucumber. We'll see how it goes.
Now it's time to plant the bulbs. I should have done this at least a month ago but was swamped with other, more pressing things to get done. And today is really no exception. I have a five page argument to present on Thursday regarding the governments actions on and after 9/11. I've read a 700 page book examining terrorism and how 9/11 came about. I'm not into it but it's required so I'm plowing through it.

Back to plants. I love gardening. It's one of my true joys. I was raised in the yard, planting our garden every year and harvesting it for the winter. I come from a small town where planting and harvesting, canning and storing are ways of life. We were not farmers, just poor people who did what we had to do in oder to get through the winters with "enough". I did not realize how precious these activities were until I was out on my own, living in the big city, with no space to grow much more than window plants.
I love that O. gives me space to work. I have transformed her backyard from a rather barren and sort of boring space to an oasis with palm trees and bamboo and when we added the pool last year... pure heaven. We'll skip Hawaii this year as we have everything we need right here! (minus the amazing beaches but that's for another time)

It is suppose to be in the 90's today. She will love being in the sun getting tan, I will love being in triple doses of sun-screen. She will love laying and baking. I will love moving and sweating. She will smile and giggle with excitement when I am done working today. I will gratefully take a shower and watch with anticipation to see what pops up, and where! Often calla lilies take root in places you did not mean for them to spring up.

We also have five more palm tree's to plant. The gardener will come in next week to do this as I can't lift them, they are all in 55 gallon pots that I can't quite heft. They will be beautiful and hopefully the new Cuban Royal will grow as majestically as the one we lost in the frost a few years ago was.

In other news, DESIRE is coming along nicely. We have filled up, closed registration and are now making final arrangements and getting the gear together. It should be a GREAT weekend! The big tree in the "main" area of the courtyard was blown down by wind-guts a few weeks ago so we're going to have to invest in more car-port tarps. Those things have been a life-saver!
If we don't add more of them we'll all be over-baked and to sun beaten to play and that's just NOT GOOD! It is to bad they don't make sexy pop-ups. I suppose we could get black ones but that would be like adding a heater to the already boiling temperatures. We gladly put up reflective white.

School is going well. I'm plowing through the last of my lower level classes and trying to enjoy the last "easy" semester that I will have in my college life. From here on out it's heavy sciences like chemistry and physics and anatomy and the like. All coupled with heady research papers, EMT training, and eventually P.A. training. If I looked at the chunk of time and energy I would freak. I'll stick with getting through this day, my planting and my writing and when tomorrow comes, I'll go to Spanish (which is going well but isn't sticking like I want it to).

O. is good. She loves the sun and spends as much time as she can in it. Someday that may backfire on Her but She is prepared for that. She isn't happy unless She is ubber-tan. She relaxes like this. She thinks like this. She plots and schemes in the sun. DESIRE is a result of many days baking the California sun. It is Her happy place.

And finally, I have a HUGE roll-top antique desk. This thing is beautiful but far to big. It's one of those desks that attract everything. It becomes a rather ominous pile of papers and stuff and I don't want it anymore. I'd prefer to sell it and acquire something smaller.
The desk is about the size of a twin bed, with the frame. It's just not a good fit for my little odd shaped 10X10 office space. It has 5 long drawers and Lots of little drawers and was built just after the period when they would have little hidden compartments so while it is missing those, it holds it's own solid majesty. It also holds to much of my space.

If your interested in purchasing a great desk let me know.

Then I can purchase a great but smaller desk.

Win-Win.

RAWW and last night

2009-04-13T04:03:53Z

RAWW has been going through some good changes lately. Ma'am and her ex had run LARAWW for years almost single-handedly. When i came along, i hauled chairs and made statements like "whatever You want Ma'am". i still do these things!

LARAWW lost it's "home" several years ago and we have been struggling since. Ma'am still tried to coordinate LARAWW in the midst of a lot of often negativity surrounding LARAWW's meeting spaces and the like. She did the best she could and it was damn good, as LARAWW survived and is still breathing.

ALong came Mistress Shelly. She jumped in and helped with a lot of the promotions, recruitment and connections. She has been AMAZING for us as a community and us as two struggling women. She gave us a shot in the arm.
And she connected us with Mistress Shae. Mistress Shae owns The Acadamy. It's an amazing space and is now RAWW's home. Incidentally we have dropped the "LA" from LARAWW and are now simply RAW (Radical and WIcked Women) in hopes that this will be a signal that every woman from every part of the country is welcome to join us here in Southern California on the second sat. of every month for some woman2woman education and play.

Last night was temporary play piercing. We had three stations; beginner, intermediate and "holy eff! That's crazy!" O. and i were conspirators behind door number three. It was FUN! It was great to see old friends and meet new one's. It was fun to mess with my friend L.'s mind for a while.
It was fun to eat MLR's brownies and drink to much coffee and it was the first time that I have ever been pierced and then whipped all while falling asleep!!!!!! I warned Ma'am I was tired!

RAWW is evolving into an incredible, warm, energetic women's space again and we are excited!

Next time your women aren't doing much on the second sat. come hang with us. The Academy is amazing and the women are fun. The coffee is strong and the sensuality is dripping from the ceiling. It's a great way to spend a night.

Phi Theta Kappa

2009-04-11T04:37:08Z

It is VERY official.
I was inducted this evening into the national honors society Phi Theta Kappa.

AND they gave me a service award.

It really does pay to be of service ;)

More another time... Ma'am awaits.

YES!

2009-02-13T06:08:29Z

I made the Presidents List at Orange Coast College.
HAHAHAHAHAHAWOOOEFFINHOOOOO!

I'm a certified geek now!

*feels proud*

Experimentation

2009-02-11T00:33:48Z

isomeme said it well. read the comment for yourself if you wish.

Yes indeed I signed up for this and yes indeed I keep showing up for it.

And in that light all is well even as I shake my head and wonder "wtf?"

What do you do...

2009-02-10T09:06:37Z

When what you do no longer works for you?

Quick because January is soooo OVER

2009-02-06T01:47:15Z

WOW. Where the hell did my 6 week break go?
Well...
It went to re-staining the bedroom ceiling and painting the bedroom walls. (Of course I'm for hire if the price is right and I have the time)

To visiting friends locally.

To a great weekend in Phoenix for SWLC. I had a great time this year making new friends, seeing old friends and listening to hot trans guys talk about relationships.

To a drive up to southeastern Utah, during which we got snowed in in some little podunk town where a drunk chick informed me that she was "sometimes gay" and did we want company. UUUMMMM not tonight.

To days full of my nieces laughing with us and nights reading college spanish to a six yr old.

To Bang4theBuck. OMG if you haven't gont to Seattle for this party you have MISSED IT! We support Midori's event with everything we can and this year it was not held in S.F. so we went to Seattle (yes of course we promote DESIRE and are grateful for the chance to do it-THANKS MIDORI).

To sleeping real quick and getting my arse back into school.

And now school is upon me.
I have been asked to help write a text book for a women in the arts class. ME??!? I guess I can write and it showed in my coursework. 'Spose it's time I get it together everywhere hu?
Tu/Th. schedule: 6:30 a.m. meditation
8:20 a.m. honors spanish
11:10 a.m. political science
12:45 p.m. History to 1860
4:00 p.m. work
Mon is devoted to DESIRE and housework. Wed. is devoted to assisting the instructor that I love and adore as well as other instructors on campus plus campus club activities and a meeting.
Friday is utterly devoted to the homework I didn't get squeezed in during the week, housework if it's needed and hopefully some much needed rest.
Weekends are a madhouse of homework,housework,play,rest,and honey-do lists.

UGH!

It's good to be me but damn it's also tiring.

O. has been good about trying to find time for me to socialize more and get more from quiet moments. I haven't been so good at time management in order for more quiet moments to be found.
We'll see how well I learn to juggle this semester. It's going to be HELL!

While we were in Seattle I got to see my Sephi. That was so good! I think she thought I was overly quiet, which I was, because by the time we got to seattle I was exhausted, fighting a cold, and feeling a little panicked about school coming up. My brain had a hard time focusing around the light conversation.
It was good to see her. Her place is adorable and she seems VERY happy. Calmer. Quieter in a good GOOD way. And I think she is better off here than anywhere. I am so pleased for her.

That's all.
I'm sticking my head back into work then into textbooks.

Writer's Block: Seven

2009-02-06T01:34:11Z

Which of the seven deadly sins—sloth, greed, lust, gluttony, anger, envy, and pride—are you most likely to commit?

View 501 Answers

I commit them all on different levels. And I consider greed and gluttony to hold tight hands. But I gotta tell you envy is probably going to be my downfall if it does not prod me to act.

My Rainbow?

2009-01-14T06:21:39Z

Your rainbow is shaded blue.

What is says about you: You are a tranquil person. You appreciate friends who get along with one another. You share hobbies with friends and like trying to fit into their routines.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

I like my friends bustin thier asses with me. YES! It makes things that much more FUN!

Writer's Block: Tricky Questions

2009-01-14T06:14:23Z

CRAP! I didn't do it. I KNOW I didn't do it.

i always say

2009-01-14T01:02:12Z

that i'll post pics but i never seem to get around to it. i guess that is where my "lazy" streak comes in. i just don't quite ...get...there.

But i finished O/our bedroom. The ceiling is now an orangeoil treated, shiny re-finished masterpiece! i am waiting for the beams to dry so that i can hang the leather straps back up.

The walls are a soft, almost sensual shade of gray. "Whale gray" the can says. It's a flat paint, not quite gray, not quite blue, and in bright light could almost be confused for "off white". i love it. She is going to love it.

i had to break down and tell Her what i was doing because i kept missing Her calls. She is in Florida visiting family and i always do some big house project while She is gone if i have the time. Because it's easier to do a big house project like painting or refinishing when She is not home and i am not in Her way. (yes if you must read i can get shit done easier!).

Anyway, She is excited to see what i have done for Her. i am very good with my hands (hey, no sex jokes here!... ok ok go ahead and spit out one sex comment)and i have always wanted to be able to make a comfortable living using them. Unfortunately the world does not viably employ women who can paint, build, re-finish, re-shape, tear-down, or build up. Not with the financial compensation that is required to live comfortably after a long day of hauling equipment around. Anyway...
i get my fix doing what i can for my Ma'am and it feels so good.

Of course the rewards are effin GREAT! i love being me.

School starts Feb 2. i am excited to be back in a routine. i like routines. i like knowing exactly what i need to do next, when it needs to be done, how i need to do it. When i am not working or in school i struggle to keep some sort of balanced routine. i don't want anyone to micromanage my life (good thing as She isn't into micromanaging!) and i chose my schedule based on what kind of routine i want to have. And of course as soon as i have it down the semester ends. It's like that, life.

i love it.

Until then i will be traveling a good deal with Her as well as enjoying our amazing back yard (it's 90% the oasis She has always wanted)and reading a couple of novels and playing and working on DESIRE and school stuff for Her next semester. (yep i get to do work work for Her.)

Not a bad way to spend the next few weeks.

She gave me Instigator magazine subscription for christmas. i LOVE that smutty fag-rag. It is well written. Intelligent. Smutty. It addresses very important issues as lets guys pose in hot gear. Yes, most of the pics are posers but it's still EFFIN HOT. *sigh* So much for not being into phallic. Or maybe it's that i relate to the gear fetish even if i do not consider myself part of that fetish group per se? Oh, i do have me secret (or not so secret) pseudo-fetishes but it's not part of O/our lifestyle (not YET anyway).Anyway, it's hot and i love it.

Where did THAT come from? i got three back issues in the mail today. i called Her to tell Her there was something in the mail for Her and She had me open it and explain what it was to Her. Then i had to flip through all three issues and tell Her what i saw that i liked. It was fun. Not quite phone sex, not quite a vanilla conversation, absolutely tinged with D/s and therefore HOT.

Ok... back to.... what?

i can cross off several things from my myriad of lists but have a BUNCH to get crossed off and so must go and begin another aspect of my non-stop working.

my Wolf.... CALL ME!

G'day, and Good Night.

Writer's Block: Comfort Food

2009-01-10T07:03:55Z

When times are tough or you're feeling down, what's the one food you can count on to make you feel better?

View 504 Answers

hot coffee, a steamy novel, and raunchy sex work better

Being full... you'd almost think i was manic tonight

2009-01-10T06:49:52Z

i am always full.
Full of energy.
Full of ideas.
Full of shit.
But always full.
i haven't felt empty in so long i often wonder if i am a glutton for life.
i don't mind the idea as there was a time when all i wanted was to end what i thought was an incessant torrent of minutes slowly dripping down a filthy drain that led to a big stinktank full of nothing.
i have dumped that idea for a much more adventurous moment-to-moment embrace of whatever is happening.

i have lists. Lists everywhere! On the desk. In my planner. On the fridge. on the counter. In my head. Does this mean i truly "LIVE" moment-to-moment? In the life of a submissive, yes. It's how i get things done. i do wish there were more time for less planned activity. i adore spontaneous anything and would welcome a sudden leap into the unknown. However, today isn't that kind of day.

One day i'll dump the lists and just "be in the moment".Oh Zen.

For now, i am repaining the bedroom, restaining the wooden ceiling in said bedroom, treating said bedroom for termites (bastards are worse than cockroaches. Let's hope orange oil realy does work). i'm also working on DESIRE registration (get it in if you haven't already, we are already almost at 40 registrations and we only take 100!), completing forms for student loans (yikes!) writing essays for scholarships (ohpleaseohpleaseohplease) gearing up for the possibility that i'll have to repaint the interior of Her house in less than two weeks so that new flooring can be installed throughout (nice bamboo laminate the dogs can slide on!) AND we're going to go to SLWC and then Utah for three days to visit my family followed by a quick trip to Seattle so that we can party with midori at her Bang for the Buck AidsLifecycle fundraiser (i hope i spelled that right). We LOVE that fundraiser and support it with our presence as well as a DESIRE registration.
Ma'am is in Florida so i have a little time to get said bedroom all done. It's a JOB to do all i am doing but i love it.

i love the sweat. i love the muscle pain. i love the way Her eyes light up when i have done something pleasing for Her that She doesn't know i have done (this is a suprise for Her *grin*).
Happy New Year everyone!

p.s. i got a 4.0 last semester!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sampler

2008-10-21T03:37:33Z

WHAT a GREAT time O. and i had at Sampler this year! WOW.
i have only been to Sampler once in my five year span as a leatherdyke and that was five years ago. i had been serving O. as Her full time submissive for less than one month and it was my first full weekend event. i was nervous, scared, apprehensive, excited. She teaches genitorture, fisting, and play piercing for beginners and let me tell you, the clean-up involved with genitorture is rather immense.
First you have to set out all of the options of things to use. THEN you have CLEAN all of the little things that GET used. And this boi doesn't just kinda clean. This boi scrubs in steaming water then viruscides then lets dry and puts back away. At Sampler each presenter works 12 1 hr one-on-one sessions. IT's VERY busy. So, back then i was learning to clean and scrub and serve and be present and prompt and polite and respectful and learning the ways of my Ma'am and learning the ways of myself and learning the ways of traditional and not-so traditional leather living. It was scary.

Fast forward five years.

She was invited back to present this year and was grateful and excited as Sampler has always been a very special event for Her. Now it is a very special event for BOTH of us, full of memories and heart-felt smiles. Obviously i passed the "test" of the weekend back then and this weekend i was on my toes. It was a pure joy to serve Her fully this weekend as She showed people how to play with the infinite possibilities of the cunt.

i also had the chance to connect fully with people that, up to this point, i have only been able to kind-fo get to know. slavegirldebbie was a delight to work with. my brothers-in-leather were WONDERFUL to watch and play with, and i loved seeing the miriade of "family" that i won't mention because i don't know if i can on a public space like this. But i hope you know who you are and that i loved being with you this weekend.

i had the honor of hosting a submissive rap/workshop. What a BLAST to have an hour to talk about this life we lead and to discuss the "issues" and "problems" that come up for us as leatherfolk and specifically as bottoms/slaves/sumissives. And what a pleasure to have a joyous discussion that was serious yet light, deep and intense yet full of laughter and elebration. Because that is what i do, i celebrate my path even when it's not so easy.
Human relationships aren't always full of chocolate and sensuous music. Sometimes they are scary, hard, difficult, frustrating and often plain dull. To take the time to acknowledge that it isn't easy to be connected is often as far as some people get. But i believe that the next step is to celebrate the connectedness that we all have even when it's painful, hard, scary, or even ending. Because being connected means we are alive. We are living. We are BEING. And THAT is the beauty of my submission. i am alive in it.

We stopped and lost a little bit of money at Morongo then headed home. Once we got home i unpacked our bags and fed the dogs. Now i am catching up on emails, blogs, messages on the phone.

One order of DESIRE business.
We are thinking about taking over a small resort across the street so that attendees could rent a room and walk back and forth. The current quotes range from about $110-$220 per night depending on which resort we take over and what size room you want to stay in.

Would you want to stay across the street? Yes, this is an informal poll so feel free to reply (even if you don't plan on attending i am curious to see if you'd spend the money on convenience if you COULD)

Gonna go crash now.

tired boi blu
P.S. Life is GOOD. Enjoy yourself

action for the day

2008-10-16T16:46:20Z

"When you find yourself worrying about something, stop, check out what your trying to control, let go, relax, and return to balance."

Meditations for living in balance

a boi, a hood and a big celebration

2008-10-13T03:42:28Z

It is still rather early on this chilly sunday night as i sit at my desk and catch up on blogs.
W/we have been working on DESIRE in small increments and it's paying off as i have gotten a lot done in a short amount of time.
Ma'am fits in my service to Her with my homework, housework, DESIRE work, and personal life stuff.I feel good.
We celebrated our anniversary at Folsom and that was amazing! She purchased a beautiful leather hood for me that is custom made just for my little head. i should be receiving it tomarrow!!!!!!!!
W/we will be at Sampler this year, which is next week EEECK! Sampler was the first event that i served Her as Her full time submissive so it holds special memories for U/us. It was also the first weekend that She decided that She wanted me in Her life as "more" than "just" Her submissive. i say those things with care because being a submissive is part of the core of my being and it is not something i take lightly. Neither does She. It is the core of our relationship and what W/we are built on. D/s is how i breathe, eat, sleep. It is what and who i am. Without that there is nothing else, not realy. Being Her lover/girlfriend/partner is what happens as a result of being Her submissive/property/slave. And yes, W/we have begun using the word "slave" to describe my lifestyle as it relates to Her. i fought that for years as i did not think i fit the description, and i didn't. Now, however i do. And i love it.
School keeps me busy and on the days when i just DON'T WANT TO study i put on my collar and take my studies in hand as an act of service to Her. It works. i am a straight A student. i am an honor student. i am respected by my peers, and i am respected by Her peers, they make up the majority of my instructors this semester.
All is well in the world of blu.

Decisions and responsibility

2008-09-17T16:16:00Z

When I make a decision, whether it is to do the dishes, stop smoking, serve, go to school, or simply get out of bed (or not) there is a responsibility that goes along with that decision.

Simply thinking about something is not enough. If I look at something within (or without) that needs attention, action, change, the need to get into action does not make the action happen. I must decide.

Where in my life do I need to make a decision?

What is that decision based on?

What is my responsibility to this decision? What action do I now take in order to move forward with the decision, into responsible action?

What are the results?

Serving requires a decision, a commitment, not only to the One being served to also to the one performing service. It requires contemplation and decision-making that is based on whatever knowledge is available about the choice. Once I commit to a decision, I am then responsible for the actions that I take. It is up to me to move in a positive direction with my choices.

Serving others is an act that requires dedication, time, and a deep commitment to selfless acts. Am I capable of making the commitment? Of carrying out the responsibilities of my decision to offer myself?

While these questions seem to address a large decision or choice, they often come up in simple day-to-day life. If I decide not to get out of bed at 6 a.m. what is the consequence of that choice? I may miss an hour of contemplation before I have to dive into the river of the day. I may miss the opportunity to spend 20 minutes having coffee with Ma'am. I may need to sleep in if I have been depriving myself of much needed rest. Each action, each moment, requires a pause for contemplation. How will this affect Her, me, those around U/us?

It is easy to bound through the day with little thought. I do it frequently. But at the end of the day I find that if I am not taking the time to think things through I am not reaping the benefits of my actions. I do not feel as connected to the greater picture. I am not as productive, and many of my days decisions are not the best choices, nor am I as effective in carrying out my responsibilities.

When I say "yes" I am saying that I will dedicate myself to a task full-hearted. There is a great responsibility in this.

The payoff is a day well lived, a day of well performed service. And two VERY happy and fullfilled women.

Whatis my choice to be?

I am honored to be of service

2008-09-17T06:09:21Z

It is not so often anymore that i pause to relish the act of serving. i am a 24/7 boislave. i resisted the use of the word slave for years for many reasons:

1. As i began exploring service/submission i refused to be what "i" thought a "slave" was, so utterly subserviant, so voiceless, so "weak". Little did i know or understand.

2. i did not find the need to be anything other than a boi. It is my core.

3. She had a slave and did not need another. Besides a handful of a boi was quite enought.

4. slave still tasted bad in my mouth. History and my white, small town education made the word feel ugly, slimy, and degrading.

5. At the time i was the owner of my will. It was free. It was MINE. And i wanted to keep it that way.

In the five yrs since She placed a permanant collar on my neck and called me Hers i have learned a few things.

You CAN harness the wind. It's done all the time with windmills. Her windmill is a nice peice of chain with a black padlock on it. It fits well, hasn't rusted yet, and harnessess an energy that many have tried but NONE could harness before Her.

The word slave can mean and does mean many MANY different things. It is not up to me to decide what or how anyone defines the word for themselves. My working definition is "the human property of Her to be used when, how, where, and why She wishes." Do i still have a "will"? Yes. Do i desire to release it? Yes. To Her? After it has been gone over by my HGA (Holy Guardian Angel). It makes sense that my spiritual life should be just a breath above my surrender to Her. For it is in the surrender to what is Higher that i can indeed surrender to Her my all.

And so today i am called by Her a boislave. i live and have lived for a while now, the life of a slave as She defines it. i am Hers. i am owned and operated by Her. i live for Her pleasures and desires. i make myself a better human not only so that i am a better human but so that i am a better human for and with Her.

The day after Folsom we will celebrate our official 5 yr collaring anniversary. It is a precious day for U/us. W/we had never intended things to be as they are, which is why it is so beautiful. Five years ago W/we agree'd i would be Her VERY part time submissive, that i would have a freedom to live my sexual life as i was and as i wanted and that it would NOT be part of what i had with Her. That changed and evolved to the place where i now sit, in a silent office in Her house, wearing Her collar as well as Her ring on "the finger". i am not allowed nor do i desire to service, serve, pleasure, or in any way submit to anyone but Her. i do periodically have the honor of topping another but that is becoming very rare as well. i think i'd miss that more if i had the experience of it as a leather dyke but i have not. Before Her i was a sex top, hard into the scene of dirty but still vanilla sex at clubs. Dirty, hot, racy sex but NOT leather sex. And i was NOT about to spread anything other than my lips in a smile for anyone.

Today i study ardently. i live ardently. i work ardently. i serve with honor, grace, dignity, and respect.

The "boi" sometimes still gets a bit wild. The wind not ALWAYS tamed. She's working on that, as am i.

i am happy.

Surrender

2008-07-17T02:46:03Z

To give up.
To give in.
To let go.

Hands in the air waving, unclenched fists, a turning point. Turning it over.
The grand IT.

I have known the surrender that comes from having your soul beaten into a state of utter defeat by your own hand. Being driven into the ground so deep you can't see the sky. I know that place. It is a place of powerlessness so profound, so bleak and dark it's impossible to describe. They say the only way out is up but when your that deep in your own mire theres not much power to dig yourself out. And THAT is the saving grace. In that deep, dark, soul-crushing stench the only thing to do is scream "I GIVE UP". And the Great I AM lifts you ever so slowly from the mess you have created and gives you just enough stregnth to help you take a step. And then another. And then another.

I came here, to leather, to submission, to experience surrender in a different form.

This new surrender is not so ugly. At least, not for me. This surrender is sweet. It smells of sweat and sex and shoe polish. It wasn't taken from me, forced from me, or ripped from my bloodied lips.

This surrender is the surrender of my soul to my Self. To the deepest part of my being. It is the surrender to a truth so profound and real there is nothing elso to say once I have said "yes".

To bath the dogs, mop the floors, plant flowers, shave legs, groom body, groom soul, clean carpets, do laundry, wash car, drive hundreds of miles for meetings and programs, clean leathers, spread legs, bare back, count the lashes, take the pain, accept the pleasure, give the pleasure, hold out the tears as a gift, speak the truth even when it's not easy, speak the truth when it's to easy, go to the park, walk the dogs, answer the phone, write the emails, go to work, study homework, go to school, trust Her judgement before my own, speak, sit in silence, serve dinner, give a massage, accept a massage, rely heavily upon Her for guidance and love and mercy and respect, to give respect, to receive respect, to admit wrongs, to forgive wrongs, to make mistakes, to live with integrity. I can do them all on my own. I can do them without a collar. I can do them without a ring. I can do them because I AM these things. They are the action I take to express my gratitude at being given this gift of life.
But, to do these things naked in full day light and no matter what, to do them with grace and dignity and to do them when I do not WANT to do them, that is part of surrender for me.

I live these things. It is my life.

Now I am learning a deeper form of surrender. It is always that way. One level down, many many more to go.

Now I am learning that it's easy to take the actions listed (or not listed) above. It's second hand and second nature. To say "yes Ma'am, it is my pleasure" automatic.

Now, it isn't about the action but the inaction. The stillness. The moments of silence when She is sleeping peaceful and the dogs are dreaming and the night is still that I take a deeper look at where I am and where I want to go.

Deeper.

It isn't about sex alone. Yes it is. Everything is about sex. Getting it, not getting it, getting it wrong, getting it OH-SO-RIGHT, getting off, getting on, getting in, getting getting getting laid, whipped, slapped, kicked, punched, taken.

I have always been sex-top, whip bottom, let me take you on a ride then I'll do the dishes. I have always been service. I am service. That does not mean that I am not a thinking human with a will. Oh, I have a WILL. I WANT.
I do not want to surrender my Will.

Deeper.

I will surrender my Will. It'll happen because I want it to happen. I want to see what if feels like to be naked to the core, maybe for one night, maybe for one month, maybe only for a moment.

Some would say it has happened. That it happened when She placed Her collar on my neck and kept the key. I suppose that is the truth on one hand. On the other She cannot keep this metal on my neck without my honest desire to wear it. But what does it MEAN? Dishes. Dogs. Shoveling dirt. Doing housework, yardwork, SM work, inner work. It means that I am a possesion. A precious possesion owned and adored and loved and beaten and longed-for and infuriating and ingenious.

I don't ask my possions what they want me to do with them. They have thier place and space and time of use. I use them at will and set them aside for next time. I keep them clean and in good repair. I keep them safe and secure (if you will) and sometimes I use them harder than I should.

Deeper.

It isn't about being "used" and then "tossed away".
It is about being, for a moment or a lifetime, secure and sound enough within myself that I do not need to hold on to anything. I tend to clench for dear life sometimes. To stangle the life out of something because I am afraid to let go. What I have found is this: When She whispers "let go, give it to me" I DO let go and I DO give it to Her and I do feel free. That moment is the freest moment. When there is nothing but my ass in the air, my heart out there, my legs spread, my head spinning, my mind reeling and my back stinging that I am so utterly free I almost forget that I have skin.

And sometimes I don't have skin. Sometimes I shift into wolfspace. And I am not human and I am not animal and I am not dead and I am not hurt. I am power beyond what can be contained.

But inevitably I return to this place where I clench and hold on to fear because I know it, it's familiar and fits into my hands and it's ugly but it's mine. I'm not sure I want to own it any more.
If you ask what I am afraid of I can't answer you. If you nod your head because you are familiar with the word then you probably don't need to ask. I'll dive.

Deeper.

I want to surrender my fear.

catching up on rambles

2008-07-11T07:18:29Z

It's been 5 weeks since I posted anything here on LJ. Oh, I post on Myspace but it's sparce as well and sometimes flipant (unless I'm unleashing about school).

DESIRE was without a doubt the most amazing event of the year! This was year 4 and I think it went of with spit-shined precision. The work crew was awesome. The food plenty and good, the amazing participants were just that... amazing. The presenter were possibly the most skilled women of the country. They were kind with the participants, gentle with the ones who were scared and absolutely fucked with everyone they could on every level and that was absolutely surreal to watch sometimes.

I was branded at the end of the event. Anyone who wanted to watch could, and I think at one point nearly 100 women were trying to see O. put Her mark into my flesh. It was amazing!
The ride was like nothing I have ever taken. There may be something similar in the way a junkie feels on the first needle, that ride they chase to thier grave, but I don't have to chase anything into the grave to feel that way again. It has stayed on many levels. First the physical was ... well it HURT! FOr crying out loud I had my flesh seared. But I surrendered into the pain, into my Ma'am and Her ownership and Her mark and our renewed union I flew like I have never flown. I walked and talked but my spirit was floating with Yemaja somewhere in the Ocean. That's what it felt like.
I flew for two days. Two days of the deepest peace, quiet, surrendered, content, floating feeling. Two days of hot, sweet, sensuous desire. My skin was fire in many more ways than one. I am a masochist. If not by choice by nature. And when I can let myself have my masochism for what it realy is to me then I am by far more alive, more serene, more sane, and more real than when I deny it's existance. Or when I fight it. Or when I think it's not there.
I am free when I am bound. I am free to fly when I am at the end of a whip (or red hot piece of steel.) I am free when I am held down by the One who Owns me and when She uses me, claims me, proclaims Her ownership in ANY way I am nothing more than the most powerful woman you will ever meet and I am hot and I am happy and I am humbled and on my knees. But there is nothing weak about this.
Anyway...
The resort was again imaculate and when we transfromed it into the DESIRE Oasis that it becomes for us it was breathtakeing. I mean it. Women walked in and gasped. Crosses and slings by an outdoor pool. Spanking benches under canopies. A whipping post in the warmth of the sun. A spider web in the cool shade on the grass. Sex anytime, anywhere, and in any way a leatherwoman could imagine having it! And workshops and sex and workshops and play and workshops and popsicles delivered to you as you float in the pool. And water bondage, and great music (yay me). There is something magical that happens here that cannot take place anywhere else. A connection to the Divine (unless your a sex pig athiest then its all about "connecting to people" uuhhuuuuu) and a connection to the divine vulva all happen here on so many great levels. I am not doing well at telling you about DESIRE. Maybe if you missed it you'll have to come next year. Maybe if you went you could share it better.
I know only that we had one hell of a GOOD party! No drama!!!!! Thank Goddess. No bullshit. No broken hearts or broken heads that I know of. No crap. Just good clean honest to goodness leather women having leather sex and leather education. And more sex.

AHHHH hedonism.

We've been home and running through our days like they were warm butter. We are both at school, She to work and I to work and to learn. Summer is NOT the time to take classes but I am taking two and it's kicking my butt. I love it. But it's super hard to stay on top of anyting.

We'll leave for Hawaii in three weeks and the day we land I start my fall session.
UGH!

I have nothing but beauty in my busy life.

I'll have to do some blogging on surrender later. For now suffice it to say that I have fought for a while but gave in and THAT was the best thing I could do for either of us. We are closer and more intimate and more "together" than ever. And since we have always been just two degree's short of amazing, now it's nothing short of DAYUM!.

Talk to you soon.

DESIRE 2008

2008-06-04T06:43:18Z

It's almost here.
i am excited, nervous, excited, already sort of tired from pre-conference (hhhmm is it a CONFERENCE?) work and will drop off to sleep as soon as i finish burning music for the play parties.

i just got my official grades from Spring 2008 classes. 4.0!!!!!!!! YES! i did it!!!! O. did it too! She has been nothing short of amazing in this education process. Willing to set aside Her time for me to study instead of other more enjoyable activities is paying off.

i started another class yesturday. Am i insane? i believe so.

Between finals, DESIRE, a pool being built (ooohhhh the pain MUST be worth it! IT MUST! and my sister coming with her two kids three days after DESIRE, it's no wonder i am a basket-case. Loveable maybe, but certainly a basket-case.

And if this is the worst thing i have to complain about...
*tosses hand* it's NOTHING!

Life is good. It's busy. It's productive. i am engaged in all of my senses almost all the time. i am loved. And not just loved but loved without condition (She said so Herself!) and not just by Her but by lots of amazing people. To be loved, to love, to share and grow and learn and surrender to this amazing thing called living is what i have dreamed of. This is the life i have always wanted to lead.

Today i went to the AA meeting i started on campus last fall. There was a girl there who decided she needed a beer more than she needed a meeting. Now she is shaking and afraid and angry and does not know if she wants to stay sober. And i remembered when i felt like that. When life made me feel small and angry and afraid and my addictions were the only solace i had. And when they stopped working death seemed to befriend me. But that friendship was short-lived and for that i am glad.

i had no idea that being here, sober, alive, engaged in every moment could be so rewarding. Oh, there are books gallor about life, living, spirituality. They all TELL you that it's amazing but it's not the same as actualy experiencing the amazing for yourself.

i wish i could crack open the skulls of all i love and pour in a good dose of this feel-good moment. These moments, when shared with me by others, used to infuriate me because i didn't understand or believe that i could have this. i have worked HARD for many years to be here. And here i am!

Now i need to go pack and get ready for a weekend of unfettered debauchery!

Sweet dreams!

periodically

2008-05-13T06:45:12Z

I will poke around LJ and try to catch up on the lives of those who chose to post here. I like the reading, it seems a bit more fluent and sometimes more thoughtful.

I'm simply tired. Finals are almost here and I have only a few days to get myself prepared. I'm not so stressed, I have stayed current on my studying and reading. I can't do all night cram sessions. I'm not sure if I am to old or simply retain better when I use common sense methods of study instead of cram in what I can of 16 weeks worth of stuff in 12 hrs. That just does not work for me!

I found a remedy for the absolute HELL that both Ma'am and i go through monthly when I start my cycle. It's a chinese herb XIAO YAO PIAN and it has taken the horrific edge off of my period. Instead of feeling seriously suicidal or homicidal I am simply a bit edgy (and can take into account life stress) and that is such a relief.

DESIRE is fast approaching. If your going we only have 15 spots left so please get registered as it is going to be closed soon! How exciting for Ma'am! I am so pleased that this event is going to hit Her mark. She works hard on it all year. We will be doing a branding. Yep. I'm going to have a mark that represents my place in Her life that is permanant. We chose a cala lili as it is my favorite flower. This does two things. It gives U/us a mark that means something to me individually and to U/us as a couple. If our life plan changes (we have decided that 30 yrs together is our goal) and we cannot reach our goal then the brand still has significance to me (not like a name tattooed on some body part that one may regret later in life) and has several meanings. All of my permanant body mod stuff is like that. It means several things to me on several levels. I have never regretted any of them but I would like to suggest that one does not place permanant marks on the breast or that area as sagging is TERRIBLE for art!

It looks like I am going to hit the 4.0 goa mark. I'm an honor student. A club president (again in fall) and an all in all geek. I wish I could keep house as well as I can write psychology papers. Life would then indeed be beautiful. But I still iron a mean t-shirt with joy!

We'll be in San Francisco for Exiles on Friday. The topic "Genitorture" featuring yours truly as Stunt Cunt. (what a great word!) I have mixed feeling about the whole thing but all in all I love submitting to the needs and will of my Ma'am. It's tooth-sucking hot!

I missed telling everyone HAPPY MOTHERS DAY! I was in the basement of the Hilton for DomCon.
That was a good event.

I'm off to bed now. Sleepy boi needs to rest.

love and peace.

DESIRE 2008 Pre party....

2008-04-03T20:28:46Z

NOw that I have your attention hehehehehehehehehehe
DESIRE is fast approaching and as some of you know the storage area aka the garage is FULL!
Phase one of a job that I am not suppose to be in charge of anymore (and yet I am in charge of...) is the gather, clean, tighten, organize, tape, box or whatever else needs to be done to the equipment before it gets loaded and taken to the site!
Which means blu's garage has to be emptied into the driveway and things reorganized. On top of that it has to all go back in, PLUS some stuff that is stored at another location that can no longer be used for storage.
So your part in all of this?
If you want to come to my house on April 19 and 20th I'll turn up the tunes, fire up the grill put on my grubbies and together we will clean my garage! *grin* Sound like a blast? It will be if you'll be there. And trust me, I am the best BBQ chef this side of Adams.
Call me or hit me up here and let me know if your up for some GOOD TIME service!!!!!!!!!
It's also a great time to get a place on the O and blu date card for DESIRE *super wicked grin!*

So hit me up with an affirmative.
Oh and guys...
Your more than welcome to participate, just not at DESIRE!