In the midst of chaos

DESIRE 2008

2008-06-04T06:43:18Z

It's almost here.
i am excited, nervous, excited, already sort of tired from pre-conference (hhhmm is it a CONFERENCE?) work and will drop off to sleep as soon as i finish burning music for the play parties.

i just got my official grades from Spring 2008 classes. 4.0!!!!!!!! YES! i did it!!!! O. did it too! She has been nothing short of amazing in this education process. Willing to set aside Her time for me to study instead of other more enjoyable activities is paying off.

i started another class yesturday. Am i insane? i believe so.

Between finals, DESIRE, a pool being built (ooohhhh the pain MUST be worth it! IT MUST! and my sister coming with her two kids three days after DESIRE, it's no wonder i am a basket-case. Loveable maybe, but certainly a basket-case.

And if this is the worst thing i have to complain about...
*tosses hand* it's NOTHING!

Life is good. It's busy. It's productive. i am engaged in all of my senses almost all the time. i am loved. And not just loved but loved without condition (She said so Herself!) and not just by Her but by lots of amazing people. To be loved, to love, to share and grow and learn and surrender to this amazing thing called living is what i have dreamed of. This is the life i have always wanted to lead.

Today i went to the AA meeting i started on campus last fall. There was a girl there who decided she needed a beer more than she needed a meeting. Now she is shaking and afraid and angry and does not know if she wants to stay sober. And i remembered when i felt like that. When life made me feel small and angry and afraid and my addictions were the only solace i had. And when they stopped working death seemed to befriend me. But that friendship was short-lived and for that i am glad.

i had no idea that being here, sober, alive, engaged in every moment could be so rewarding. Oh, there are books gallor about life, living, spirituality. They all TELL you that it's amazing but it's not the same as actualy experiencing the amazing for yourself.

i wish i could crack open the skulls of all i love and pour in a good dose of this feel-good moment. These moments, when shared with me by others, used to infuriate me because i didn't understand or believe that i could have this. i have worked HARD for many years to be here. And here i am!

Now i need to go pack and get ready for a weekend of unfettered debauchery!

Sweet dreams!

periodically

2008-05-13T06:45:12Z

I will poke around LJ and try to catch up on the lives of those who chose to post here. I like the reading, it seems a bit more fluent and sometimes more thoughtful.

I'm simply tired. Finals are almost here and I have only a few days to get myself prepared. I'm not so stressed, I have stayed current on my studying and reading. I can't do all night cram sessions. I'm not sure if I am to old or simply retain better when I use common sense methods of study instead of cram in what I can of 16 weeks worth of stuff in 12 hrs. That just does not work for me!

I found a remedy for the absolute HELL that both Ma'am and i go through monthly when I start my cycle. It's a chinese herb XIAO YAO PIAN and it has taken the horrific edge off of my period. Instead of feeling seriously suicidal or homicidal I am simply a bit edgy (and can take into account life stress) and that is such a relief.

DESIRE is fast approaching. If your going we only have 15 spots left so please get registered as it is going to be closed soon! How exciting for Ma'am! I am so pleased that this event is going to hit Her mark. She works hard on it all year. We will be doing a branding. Yep. I'm going to have a mark that represents my place in Her life that is permanant. We chose a cala lili as it is my favorite flower. This does two things. It gives U/us a mark that means something to me individually and to U/us as a couple. If our life plan changes (we have decided that 30 yrs together is our goal) and we cannot reach our goal then the brand still has significance to me (not like a name tattooed on some body part that one may regret later in life) and has several meanings. All of my permanant body mod stuff is like that. It means several things to me on several levels. I have never regretted any of them but I would like to suggest that one does not place permanant marks on the breast or that area as sagging is TERRIBLE for art!

It looks like I am going to hit the 4.0 goa mark. I'm an honor student. A club president (again in fall) and an all in all geek. I wish I could keep house as well as I can write psychology papers. Life would then indeed be beautiful. But I still iron a mean t-shirt with joy!

We'll be in San Francisco for Exiles on Friday. The topic "Genitorture" featuring yours truly as Stunt Cunt. (what a great word!) I have mixed feeling about the whole thing but all in all I love submitting to the needs and will of my Ma'am. It's tooth-sucking hot!

I missed telling everyone HAPPY MOTHERS DAY! I was in the basement of the Hilton for DomCon.
That was a good event.

I'm off to bed now. Sleepy boi needs to rest.

love and peace.

DESIRE 2008 Pre party....

2008-04-03T20:28:46Z

NOw that I have your attention hehehehehehehehehehe
DESIRE is fast approaching and as some of you know the storage area aka the garage is FULL!
Phase one of a job that I am not suppose to be in charge of anymore (and yet I am in charge of...) is the gather, clean, tighten, organize, tape, box or whatever else needs to be done to the equipment before it gets loaded and taken to the site!
Which means blu's garage has to be emptied into the driveway and things reorganized. On top of that it has to all go back in, PLUS some stuff that is stored at another location that can no longer be used for storage.
So your part in all of this?
If you want to come to my house on April 19 and 20th I'll turn up the tunes, fire up the grill put on my grubbies and together we will clean my garage! *grin* Sound like a blast? It will be if you'll be there. And trust me, I am the best BBQ chef this side of Adams.
Call me or hit me up here and let me know if your up for some GOOD TIME service!!!!!!!!!
It's also a great time to get a place on the O and blu date card for DESIRE *super wicked grin!*

So hit me up with an affirmative.
Oh and guys...
Your more than welcome to participate, just not at DESIRE!

things and stuff and that too

2008-03-14T02:27:31Z

I turned 35 on Tuesday.
I spent three days prior celebrating, the day of working (with a three hour date that ended in me napping a bit long and standing a LOT at work...sore butt *grin*)
O. managed the most amazing suprise party in the history of all things suprising. She was able to distract me, contact friends, buy stuff, get me to clean the house (super begrudgingly, boi just wanted to be at the beach) and sneak a BUNCH of people all while I was home!
I either need to ramp up my generally well-honed "what is going on?" skills or I trust Her so implicitely that I don't worry about small changes in routine that would normally not occure. Possibly both but in the end I was gifted, and sung to in a most amazing and beam rumbling manner and stuffed to the already overstuff hilt with love, joy and AMAZING cake!
I turned 35 on Tuesday.
And my body today feels a bit sluggish from all the leftover festivities both of food and other senses.
Overall its GOOD to be me. I was able to see friends I love but don't get to see much, I was actually sort of served (almost begrudgingly) by fellow submissive who stuck it out to the bitter end and cleaned up the afterparty which was so AWESOME!!! I didn't have to spend another two days cleaning up the wreckage.
Now I have tunes to buy and starbucks to drink and candles to smell all while reading and working through ethics, pscychology, algebra and speech writing!
It's good to be me! To be a marble playing, t-shirt wearing, beatmeblackandBLU, BOI.
I'm grateful that I have kept breathing and stayed on the right side of the dirt. Once there was a time I didn't want to, and more importantly didn't know if I WOULD stay on this side of the dirt but here I am.....
All dirty *grin* but vertical.

Yesturday and other things

2008-01-21T17:25:19Z

Yesturday was a big day for me. I celebrated 16 yrs of sobriety. I didn't smoke a cigarrette, I was given a brand new silver Hawk tenor saxophone as a sobriety gift from O. and we were given passes to the NAMM show (which is where we got the sax) which was an amazing way to spend the day, inundated by all things music. We ended the evening at the Cheesecake Factory where I ate half a burger and a third of a peice of cheesecake cuz these days I can't eat much. Why? Because I don't want to anymore!

It looks like I will have the opportunity to set up some dj equipment for DESIRE which may also offer me some extra money options. We'll see what I can come up with in terms of time, money for music and the patience to play wedding music every weekend. It's good money.....

School starts up full blast next week. I'm posting my class schdule over on MySpace if you wanna check it out.

I have been reaching some of my intentions for this year already. I have learned that if you make short, manageable goals in small chunks they seem to be doable. So I started the year with intent to eat better, work out more (just more... cuz more than a few times a year is good right!?!) and obtain a few needed things. The month has not ended and I have a brand new super yummy Toshiba Satellite A215-S7437 laptop. I unpacked it two days ago and am still learning it. I don't get Vista yet...... Yet.

I was successful in getting my office clean. CLEAN. Organized, or in some drawer cases controlled disorder. It feels good! And yes, I ended up with the desk against the East and it feels good there.

No one knew that I wanted to pick up the sax seriously again and begin to play. Most don't know that I played seriously in high school and in a few swing bands in my early twenties. Mostly I would think back and feel nastalgic of that period of my life and maybe share some of that but I didn't get deep into the desires to play music again. At least, not out loud.
But I did get deep into it in my head and O. heard that little, subtle thing that happenes when I'm being secretively excited about something. And .......
Well now I'm going to have to effin practice! *looks for music stands* (I'm not so good at practicing anything)

I've dropped 3 lbs, picked up a little bit of mindfullness as I have meditated every day for 21 days now a min. of 30 min. a day (sometimes not all in one sitting) am ready for school next week and have a new pc and sax. Ya know, if the worst thing I have to complain about is that I have a lot to do, theres not much to complain about!

a few things

2008-01-19T23:38:04Z

O. has been in Florida for a week. She has been trying to fly home since 11 a.m. E.S.T. but Delta is having a fight with the weather in Atlanta is the weather is winning. Which leaves O. drinking margarita's in an overpriced bar in West Palm Beach FL. chatting with "the friendliest little gay bar tender".
At least there is a bar, with someone of colorful character to keep Her company while Delta battles the elements.
Hopefully She will make it home tonight by midnight. *crosses fingers*
i have been spring cleaning early as my spring is LOADED with school, study, Travel to Washington D.C. for Dark Odyssey in March and more studying.

i spent the week oiling O.'s ceiling till it gleems (it's raw wood) and painting the bathrooms. The house smells like orange wood (to kill termites and polish woods) paint fumes and Watco dutch natural stain. i'd open the windows but i'm a wimp for cold air so i'll continue to smile as my accomplishments and not burn candles in case the whole place blows up. (kidding it's not THAT bad.... close but not quite).

Today i am cleaning my office. i don't mean straighten out the papers and dust, i mean CLEANING. re-arranging furniture, orange oil all the woods, straighten and organize the closet (my shirts are all now in sections according to color, style, and frequency of use. i LOVE an organized closet).

i have a question for anyone who may know....
i have two wall options for my desk. The west or the east. The north is my closet and the south is my only window. So does anyone know which place would be best for a desk? i tend to be drawn to the west as i am all about water and if i keep my desk there i would make the east wall the meditation/reading space. Or vice/versa. Then the west would become the meditation/reading space.

What do you think?

chatting it up

2008-01-04T07:14:58Z

The first person I get to chat with is my dearest gayathri!
How cool is that!
I am a little late in posting, but want to get this going in a good direction so here is the list of things I am grateful for followed by the things I aspire to in 2008

i am grateful for:
my life
my family
my friends
my sex
my sexual preferences
my sensual lifestyle
my ongoing education
my amazing Ma'am (She's always number one in my heart!)
my health
my teachers, all of you, particularly my enemy.
this aweful green rob my Grandmother gave me, it's so warm and cozy I could live in it if it weren't babyshit green!
These fuzzy slippers, again from Gram. They are awesome!!!
being smoke free!
notofthistime and his amazing porn! Thanks for the freebee love!!!!!!
my dogs.
my freedom
Advil for those arthiric aches.
Coffee, warm and strong in the mornings.
Warm bagels and vitamins
tea at night when I can't sleep
the books that I don't have time to read. They wait patient and strong.
soft towels and toilet paper
kleenix puffs for runny noses
warm fires
a vacuum cleaner that works
sunshine
the beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my neices, they are amazing
Maybe I should stop here and say that I am so greateful for every single thing in my life. The tihngs I am angry over are my lessons. The things I love are my blessings.

I have no resolutions but aspire to:
lose weight that found me after six years of sitting on my ass.
speak softer
speak with more love and less viiolence.
fuck more
surrender more
bleed much more!
Breathe less hehehehehehehe
ride my bike to school.
Get more A's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Return phone calls faster
keep up with LJ
be more present
be more present
be more present
be HERE NOW!

That's enough. There are more I'm sure but ......

Well lists are dull. I'd rather read my best buddies porn!

manic check-in

2007-05-02T01:01:06Z

I have such a hard time keeping up.
And this keyboard is making typing seem like a chore.
Let me fill you in....
I'm a full time student and a full time employee and a full time 24/7 submissive. *yawns*
I think I slept 8 hrs once, but I can't remember when.

I love my life.
It's good to be me.

No aches or pains other than the ones I create for myself when I am in the throws of some emotional break down which happens when I drop from 6 to 4 hrs of sleep. Which is happening.

I'm getting ready to stop being a full time employee and start being a non-commuting, financially dependent, student loan filing woman.

And theoretically I"ll have more time for laundry.

For those who don't know, I love laundry.
I love the smell of dryer sheets, the sound of the washer filling, the act of adding clothing and necessary detergents and YES I LOVE to IRON. It's like meditation. Solitary, soothing, and an instant gratification that feels good. In this mad dash of a life I live it feels good to slow down and do something that will contribute to feeling good about myself. And yes, I iron for O. as well. When she puts on a nice ironed shirt I feel GOOD.
She looks HOT.
And everyone is happy.

On to another item.

DESIRE 2007 is almost here!!!!!!!!!!
www.desireleatherwomen.com
If your into kink, women, kinky women, sultry days and scream-filled nights then this may be the place for you to visit.
We spend three days of unadulterated, unabashed, shameless rampages through sensuality.
It really is quite amazing.
I'm in charge of equipment. That means I have to start now getting things inventoried and cleaned, repaired if needed and ready to load and haul to Palm Springs.
Then I'll have the pleasure of building the play spaces!! *wooohooo* That means I'll know where all the best stuff is!!!!!!!!
I have seven play dates already, in between serving, pleasing, and playing with O. I'm refining my skills as a "top" *grin*
COME PLAY WITH ME!!!!!!!!

In other news I am almost done with my semester and will take a short break before summer session starts. I need the credits. I'm so ready to be done with school.

Anyone need fill dirt? I have literally about 8 tons of the stuff that needs to be hauled away. It's no good for planting or I would keep it. It kills everything we plant in it so it was dug out and tossed on the lawn and promptly forgotten about by our ever so non-efficient gardeners. Got shovel?

I get up now at about 4 a.m. because my body and mind both jump to attention about that time. I spend an hour in meditation and then launch into either chores or studying. Then off to work. I come home at 4 pm and race off to classes, swing home for a quick dinner at a break, and then sometime around midnight I get to sleep. Sometimes it's around 10 pm if I'm lucky. Generally it all varies.

I'm off now....
Math awaits!

sometimes you gotta erase...

2006-08-04T05:42:42Z

I deleted an entry that I wrote earlier. Some of my friends read it and commented, short and sweet. I deleted it only because I wanted to. Because behind the black and white was a world of story that has yet to be sorted out into a sequence that makes sense.
S'all good though.
Tonight I had the pleaasure of purchasing more fence wood. Home Depot has become my second home this summer. In fact I have spent the entire summer plowing up dirt, planting things, watering things, planting more things, digging things up and so on and so forth. The gratification of gardening is instant, and refreshing. The process of gardening ... hmmm thought break . o O ( not gardening, relandscaping is the REAL word) is almost cathartic, and certainly grounding in more ways than just muddy boots and sweaty shirts.
And the most rewarding aspect is that after I have showered I can serve dinner on the back patio under a canopy of palm tree's and interesting flowers, candlelight and the smell of fresh wood coming off of the fence to my Love. It is simple. It is sweet.
The problem is keeping the dogs from A. digging up the freshly planted things and B. tracking in mud on the light carpet. I've been unsuccessful at B. and am grateful for the rug shampooer I bought Her for christmas.
There's a stack of lumber in front of the house for J. to tack up and finish the fencing project. There are still several tree's to be planted and a six pack of daisies that needs a home. SOON.
The phone rings...
I log off now..

DESIRE

2006-06-08T00:27:04Z

OOOOOHHHH nothing like a sultry night surrounded by sensous sounds and sights. Nothing quite like the thump,whack,thud,slap, yell, moan, squeal, of beautiful women celebrating their sexuality in the heat of the night. Palm tree's. Exquisite lighting, intimate resort and unlimited playplayplay. It was HOT in Palm Springs. Rumor has it the temp hit 116 at some points. I'd believe it. My collar was so hot it burned my flesh. NOT the kind of branding I'd like to experience. The pleasure of serving my Ma'am at an event like this is beyond words. Meeting new friends, seeing and connecting with old ones was a wonderful treat. Working to the point of exhaustion felt good, and thanks to the amazing volunteers we did not have to work QUITE as hard as last year. I had the opportunity to play on saturday night and had a session with a presenter on sunday. YEAH ME. I was the pleasant witness to transformation on all sorts of levels. And I love that. Watching people grow is amazing. Watching people experience a fantasy is beautiful. Blowing misconceptions and prejudices out of the water is FUN and that happened too! It's good!
It's good to be Her boi.

I see a trend

2006-05-18T00:46:31Z

Good evening gentle readers.
The sun begins to shake of it's day and I begin round two of mine. Never a dull moment.
The office is quiet, the coffee is not quite warm and I'm going to be heading into the hallowed halls of OCC in a few moments.

To catch you up on the comings and goings and screamings of a boi....

My Grandmother seems to be feeling ok. She makes cryptic jokes about cleaning her house, "you know, I have fourty years of beautiful cards I have to throw away even though I just LOVE beautiful cards. I don't want you to have to deal with that once I'm dead." "Oh honey I hope you don't mind but I think I should give your cousin my wedding ring because I gave your sister the one my mother wore." " My dear grandaughter aren't you going to stop that silly stuff you do with your friend (my girlfriend) and get married?" on and on ad nausea. I love her. I will always have to sort of grit my teeth and practice a deep patience that I am never aware I possess until we talk. In the end, literally and at this moment what matters is that Gram and I talk, love, laugh, and shake hands with the knowledge that everything and everyone is finite. We finially live in the moment. Together. With love.

In other news.
Have I told you lately that I am indescribably in love? Oh yes Dear Reader. Head over heels. Still. Can't beat that. EErrrrrr well a good beating would be nice right about now. I digress.
O. is gearing up for DESIRE. I am sure that both She and slave are near frantic at times. It's that point of ... "oh shit we need.. what about... do we have.. where's...". I am proud of this event that they are doing. The effort. The dedication. The passion. It's immense and intense. Ah, that the world could be so dedicated.
Hell, if I could be so dedicated!

Speaking of dedication.

It is highly likely that I'll be in a nursing program before the end of june.
I took the test a year ago and failed math. I took some math classes and have done damn well.
I re-took the test for the program and am waiting to find out my results. I think I did well.
I HOPE I did well.
If it works out and I am accepted now and I am an official nursing stufent I'll have no life for a bit of time. 14 months to be exact. That will liscence me as an LVN. The plan is to have an acceptance into a nursing program to become an NP and while doing THAT work as an LVN to make a little cash. Gotta subsidize living somehow.

So, theres the map. The current train of thought in a bizzare circus train of thoughts.
All really is well in the world of blunami.

I'll be at proserpente for mass on the 27th!! Who's going??????????
I can't wait. I need a good dose!

OOOOHHHH yes, and for those of you who have met my little sister or have heard me rant about that beloved woman she informed me the other day that she is getting a boob job!! LORD AND LADY! Can you imagine!?!!???!!
When we were splashing about in the gene pool we did not understand the idea of even distribution. She got the legs (5'7) and I got the tits (don't ask I won't tell but deathdolly can attest to the fact that I am indeed fabulously buxsom)
My neices are wonderful and getting all grown up. Katelyn says "come and see me in my new house with my old dogs ok?!!!"
Rachael says "gooo"
O. and I are going to try to trek together to Utah in July. Yes, I have lost my mind to take her THERE. Utah, I refrain from slamming only because friends in the order are currently residing there (paton place!)

I must now rush off into the large air!

Love under Will
blunami

narcisism never comes in handy

2006-05-13T00:43:22Z

OMG I am so bored. Bored like I'mgonnascreamandrundownthestreet kind of bored. Bored like omgdoithavetodothatAGAIN kind of bored. Bored.
Energy is so stale it's like a six month old box of crackers sitting open on the counter.
Sooooooooo EFFIN BORED!.

Now, I've read several things on boredom. One that it is a selfish and prideful thing. I agree to a degree. One being that boredom is really a mask for complacency wich is really a mask for fear and there is a little something to be said for that also.

It's tough to look at someone you love and say everything that is currently taking place is so dull you almost can't stand it.

The boi needs some serious hard-core messy, loud, rough, dirty, mean, ragged, eye-rolling, tear-jerking ....... ANYTHING. Doesn't have to be SEX! Could be an hour long mountain bike ride through dirt, lung wrenching, filthy, sweaty-faced, panting, keal over kind of thing.
Could be, ooohhh I don't know, that Disneyland trip we have talked about taking for two years now. Could be, a really good play session. You know, something that lasts longer than 30 minutes and is a little heartier than the brushing of skin and a wiggle of the hips. A mass. A night spent with the lovely heathens I adore. Oh GAWD I miss my heathens so much it hurts.

The boi has been pent up in the vampiric energies of someone elses anger for to long, and someone elses fear for to long, and someone elses fear for to long and now that I'm over tip-toeing through the nutcase tulips I'm ready to ROAR!

Oh dear.
She's busy.

UNPH.

Solo horror movie at midnight! blah.

In other news, DESIRE is almost apon us.
She has dates lined up. *yawn* I hope to get to spend some time chatting with folks.

It'll be so effin hot we won't be able to differenciate between the sauna and the air.
I can't WAIT!

I love the desert, the scent of hot women enjoying themselves.
MMMMMMMMMMM
I hope I get to actually participate in more than two lectures but I'm also looking forward to the work.

It's gonna be amazing.
Your coming RIGHT!?!???!!!!!

A quick stop here in leu of the coffee bar

2006-04-26T03:35:57Z

Good evening gentle readers.
It's been several exciting days since I stopped by to give a line or two to the LJ page.
Of this you can be certain, there has been nothing worth noting on an external basis.
However....
Life internal has had something of it's own spring.
My family amazes me. The ways in which we seek to love each other is odd and ackward, something like a polsy victim dancing trance. And yet, at the end of the song there is a small group of three sweating, panting and oddly connected women holding each other in joy.
Why can't we just sit down and talk like strangers in a coffee shop?
Gram is doing well. She was furious and ferocious for several painful days but has gotten over it and come back to a place where "all that matters is that your alive and sober and I don't have to worry about you overdosing" A comforting thought for both of us.
My sis is frantic in her day to day trials. She's empty in a way that saddens me. If I could I'd crack open her skull and fill it with light and love. While I can't quite do that I can share what I have to share with her which is a saner and less intrusive form of the above mentioned. Light, love, laughter and censored experiments. *grin*
Some things the family shouldn't hear about.
Things on the home front are......
How do I describe the daily goings on of two women weaving through a symphony of life?
Like that I guess.
Happiness is such a small word. I am softly, powerfully engaged on a cellular level with everything around me. It's good.
It's also emotional.
And straining.
And exciting.
And deadly effin boring too at times.

DESIRE2006 is just six weeks away. Helllloooo phreakout!
Well, I'm not freaking. Of course all I have to do is schlep heavy equipment in 100 degree weather, set it up, run around all weekend like a chicken with my head cut off watching the amazing wonderful beautiful sights of women playing in one of the most beautiful resorts I have ever seen....
AAAHHH it's good to be me!
I anticipate I'll be twenty pounds lighter by the end of it all *grin*

School is keeping me busy but not enlightened.

And I have found the dreaded thing called insomnia.
What an odd thing sleeplessness is.
Particularly when all you want to do is curl up and snooze.
Let's hope this experience is a short lived on or this waterchild will effin blow a hole in the damn of sanity. I need to sleep.

And how are you?

Death knocks, or stop waiting

2006-04-13T00:27:48Z

It's tough being me somedays.
Some days it's REALLY tough being me.
Most days I am blessed with this lovely knowing that in the end it's all worth it, the shit, and the joy.
Almost always at the end of the day I can say that.
But some days it's hard.
When the one who raised me, took me in and under her wing and spent the remainder of her decent savings and her healthy years fixing a broken child called to reveal she is sick and going to die of a terminal illness there was nothing I could do but offer my love and my space. Which I did.
Now the one who raised me is indeed making final arrangements, saying goodbyes, rearranging plans, throwing away clothes (you know the fat clothes and the skinny clothes that you save but never use!?)
She is now getting to know me in a different light. The light of my truth and not her ignorance. It's beautiful and sorrowful wrapped in a package of late night chats over tea. Sad. Beautiful.
I'll be more scarce than I have been for a little while as I spend these last days bonding with a woman I would have given almost anything to be close to sooner than this. I'll be spending these next months "making up for lost time" as she puts it and as I wistfully agree.
And what I say to you dear reader is to please please please stop waiting. You will wait until your kissing the ass of the Grim Reaper and there is nothing less pleasant.
Stop waiting.
It's not going to be a good time, ever to love, bond, grow, visit, love, learn, laugh.
F@#$! The people you think you need to impress and spend your energy loving the ones who stand in front of you.
F@#$! Being to busy. It's gonna bite you in the arse soon.
Spend the rest of your life doing the things you love, in the end that's all you'll have.
I really miss my family in the O.T.O and can't wait to be able to show my self more often, and I wll.
In between chats with my Gram and her illness.

Surrendered

2006-03-09T02:18:52Z

Here's the sporatic and somewhat random check in done once in a while as time permits.
Let me start of by saying that Mass-o-thon was AWESOME! What a pleasure, privilege and effin good time!!!
I'll never be able to thank Oliver enough for allowing me to sing his music. Nor to thank Blue Horizon for allowing themselves to be consumed by another OTO event that was awesome. Heck I'm even glad I was able to clean up after the not so sloppy thelemites this year. Good times to be had. It's always so good to see my everyone, but this past weekend particularly was awesome. I had not been to mass in a REALLY long time and was in dire need. I had not stopped to connect even on a superficial level for a long time and was really really in need.
So, thank you to all who helped put on the insanity. It was amazing!!!!!!!!

Love is GRAND! I'm absolutely diggin on the relationship with O. Being of service, being a girl(boi?)friend, being a friend, being whatever I am in any given moment has been just a little sweeter lately.
I could wax poetic and goosh all over but I'll refrain. There are changes occuring within my Self that has added interesting and intense aspects to the relationship with O. Mostly an insatiable need for .... uuummm satisfaction. *grin* Literally insatiable.

I'll be 33 on Saturday.

School is eating away the little bit of time that is left over from work. If I am not in class I am studying and if I am not studying I am at work and if neither of that is going on I am in a meeting of some sort and trying to catch a wink or two. My poor Ma'am gets about 45 minutes a day of my attention.
She is good with patience, and that is a good thing.

I am beginning to get very excited about The Ship!!!!!!!!
I hope all of you join us for one of the shows. If you miss it, I think you will kick yourself harder than I will. ;)

And last but certainly not least I slammed myself in the head with the car door this morning.
Suggestion: DON'T DO THAT! It hurts.

Have a great night Dear Reader!

WHOA!!!!

2006-01-25T02:16:02Z

The breaks! The breaks! Someone hit the FRIGGIN BREAKS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!! OHOHOHMYACHINGHEAD.
What a year 2006 has already turned into.
If it keeps up, i'm cancelling life and hybernating. And THAT is the final word.
Work is nothing short of effin HORRENDOUS! (BTW thanks to my lovely wife who turned me on to a more ... appropriate form of using expletives.) I have been threatening for a while to leave. I've sorta looked here and there. I had a feeling that the little rats nest was going to explode and SHIT has HIT the fan! WHOA. Only... I got my hands, face and some of myclothing a little dirty and that ticks me off.
We have theives and liars and lazy bastards and two faced bitchy women all floating around grinning like sharks, pressing bad glossy lipstick to their snears just before leaving the door and someone has slipped another item into their bag that does not belong to them. The biggest problem is that being in "middle management" means that I had to get the brunt of some of this sticky finger stuff. No, no one said I stole. No I wasn't blamed for the seriously HUGE amount of items and cash removed from the premesis in a matter of months. BUT I am "the leader of this team and someone does have to pay and someone does have to be an exampl and it's going to be you". GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I snear and spit and stomp off and as soon as no one is looking kick up my heals and go to Seattle for three days. THEN I come home and spend two days in a silent meditation and then go back to work and pretend that I'm butt hurt. Well, I am PISSED that I am in a position that required me to take the brunt of the fall. THEN.... well, then I was absolved and with a feeling of utter puffed out chest, tongue in cheek, wiggle my tail as I run out the door glee I am feeling vindicated. Sort of. Ok, that was what the last two weeks were like. Tonight as I blast through this check in post I'm reviewing a resume that makes me seem like an amazing effin intelligent multi talented super rocker and feeling a little twinge of fear because I'm going to send this thing out into the world with an amount of seriousness that I have never displayed before. And Im selling goods that I have doubted in the past (self) and need to get over that fast! (FASTER) because the phone will ring and someone will say "wow come see me" and then I'll have to do that. *clears throat and readies self"* PHEW. Ok so that's the work stuff. I think that one of my favorite friendships has been wrecked to a degree because of work stuff. I'm as certain though that it will be mended, we are both good at mending things. IN the meantime I"m off to do something different with myself. And school starts again soon!
Love is not worth trying to language.
Relationships out side of work are being tended to as best as I can. I'm missing my buddies, trying to get to a few more events, coffies, movies, and mass and fit in the sleep/eat/work/study/excersize thing.
The body.
OOOHHHH this little body is getting a workout lately. A thrashing to be exact. NOT the kind this kinky dyke is used to but it feels good all the same. I'm hitting the gym nightly, started biking again and reinstated my favorite ways of meditating. I'm feeling a little tired, a little rattled and yet energized and excited at the same time.
The mind.
BORING place to be right now.

Sorry to hear Pickle is sick. Give her a huge for me puleeze!

*waves and sends those bloody good kisses*
Gotta run to a meeting now, I"m back to three AA meetings a week again, last week I celebrated 14yrs of continuous sobriety. The Gods are good. Really REALLY good.

It's been a long year

2006-01-06T04:19:35Z

and it hasn't even started yet!

My Gawd!
I saw my spirit brother Beast in a white trash christmas trailor that had me rolling in joy! Problem with sharing this trailor is primarily that it got lost somewhere between clicking "browse" and finding the damn thing. So, it's lost somewhere in the vastness of my computer.
In years to come I'm sure it'll pop up. I'll toss it into the LJ world when that happens.

New Years Eve was a smashing success. O. had a party. I was fortunate (yes that is the correct word) to be the grill chef and cook fabulous food for a formal meal. We seated ten at the dinner table and with libations in hand toasted friendship, love and kinky sex. Good times to be had. There were glitches in the day that created tentions enough to lose sleep over but they were worked out in the wee hours of sunday morning over coffee and a sunrise.
My best friend and sponsor of 11 yrs was hospitalized for depression. Now, let me tell you that she is not the whiney kind of woman who gets suicidal over spilled milk. No. She has lost her son to the eternal prison system after he chose to take another persons life. She lost her life partner to a needle for some time, and though her ex is now slowly working her way through days of recovery it's difficult at best. She lost her brother to lung cancer not long ago (just before thanksgiving) and is sleeping with another woman's girlfriend in order to find some sort of ........ gratification? Pleasure? Release? *sigh*
She came home a few nights ago and a bunch of us are kicking it with her on alternating nights to take the edge off the dis-ease of depression while she adjusts to medications which will hopefully get her through some therapy and this terribly tough time in life.

My love and I are good. Very good. EFFIN GOOD even.
Relationships at best are damn hard, at worst impossible and in my world they seem to be either blistering with HOTHOTHOT delights or so stail mice won't touch them.
Being in this new skin of mine, in the midst of exploring myself as a sensual, sexual, submissive has been most difficult. I have learned so much about myself. Forget about what I've learned about others. It's all about blunami and the lessons of ME! And so I've learned, and I know only that I am a stranger to myself.

Work has had me insane. I am totally displeased. I'm looking for something, ANYTHING besides this and what I'm getting in response is rather disappointing. But still I hunt.

I stayed out of the bed of an ex.
Yeah me!

I MISS my bretheren and will soon be poking my head in! Possibly even Friday at B.H.
We shall see.....

All in all life has been wild with busy. Wild!

It's now time for blu to get her wild groove on. I'm gettin antsy.

Ok, I've checked in, know that I'm alive and kicking HARD.
Theres not time to sit!

NYE!

2005-12-30T20:58:21Z

Good afternoon friends!
It's time to get out the noise makers, the champaigne glasses and the one you wanna kiss at midnight!
It's time to write down resolutions you may or may not actually KEEP!
IT's time to make plans for a future that will change by the time you reach it.
It's time to pause and reflect and say ......*fill in the blank with whatever*
NEW YEARS EVE!

I'm not one to make resolutions. It's a sure fire way to fail! I'm not one to drink, it's a sure fire way for me to destroy the life that I have.
However I am a noisemakin kissmygirl fool and I'm excited to celebrate yet another moment in time, another change of season, another holiday and the beginning of another year with my friends,family and loved ones.

Though I'll miss the mass and the bretheren parties I'll be flouncing around in spirit. If you feel a soft little peck or a nice yummy pinch outa thin air... HEHEHE it was just me sharin some love.

I'll be ringing in the new year in submissive fashion. I'm hoping for the best and expecting nothing. It should be a good weekend. We will begin it tonight with a B.B. King concert and will blow through the weekend with friends and lovers. By Monday I am hoping to have flesh that is burning with the sting of my affections and joys and Tuesday when we get back to work the insanity of life at Lakewood Primary Care will be on in full force due to system changes and hangovers.

My hope is that you will all have a wonderful, safe, sane, fabulous holiday packed with celebrations in whatever style you see fit. They say that what you do on NYE you will be doing all year long. Make it worth it!!!!!!

In light and love
blunami

A quick stop to recount and connect

2005-12-28T03:09:11Z

Hello friends, family, and even foe!
It's been a while since I had the chance to sit down and plow through pages of comments, thoughts, blurts, sputters and OHMYGODS!
What a year. I'm not going to go through the count-down just yet but let me say that events have been preposterous, amusing, heart-warming, lovely, scary, insane, and just plain amazing. Breathing in and out certainly does bring with an amazing amount of adventure. I'm still glad I stuck around long enough to do this thing called life.

X-mas was good. I missed LVX mass due to a battery issue with my little car. In general changing a battery is no big deal. However on christmas eve, late in the evening nothing is open that carries aa car battery. 7-11 was not so convenient at that point.

However I was able to spend a lot of time with my lovely O.
We chatted, spent time with her daughter (who btw thinks I am absolutely STRANGE beyond anything she can even put into words... more on my impressing her later)
And I was able to touch bases with friends I haven't seen in over a year. That was my favorite part about the whole weekend.

On X-mas morning there was a mound of crap a mile high for me to open. I had more fun watching O. open her presents, particularly the new shiny sharp razor she'll be getting (there's a pic and a promise currently sitting on the table ...)Her daughter eyeballed me with curiosity and some fear as I opened boxer shorts, mens' long sleeve shirts and skull EVERYTHING! She said "your the wierdest woman I have ever met, but you look so NORMAL!" I laughed. and laughed and laughed and then coughed for about ten minutes.

I'm heading for a job interview on thursday. It's in the same field but with a much much smaller company, and it would seem a LOT less insanity and stress. No more people dying in the waiting room or keeling over dead in the car in the parking lot. No more babies being born in the patient drop off area. No more doctors asking "why are you booking appointments for me!?!" . o O( uumm isn't that what we DO here?) Well, IF I get the job that is. I'm asking for a LOT of money. Maybe I'll get it.
It's two blocks from school which will be nice.

The best thing about the weekend was that it was seeped in sappiness and joy. I LOVE THAT! I'm so all about the sickeningly sweet lovey crap that gets spread all over this time of year.

gotta go!

An update that may seem sedate

2005-12-15T01:34:20Z

Good evening lovely readers!
In this world of rush of to do nothing I'm sitting here sipping tea and contemplating the end of my day.
Well, the end of my work day anyway.
I'm finialy feeling better. I was hit hard and heavy with a gnarly head cold and then a bout of Strep-throat. No good when your allergic to 99% of the antibiotics on the market. Alas I was able to shake all the crappy bugs from my system except a pesky sinus infection that lingers like the smell of rotten eggs.
I'm sure I'll get rid of it as soon as I can talk my lover into releasing her down filled pillow to the gods of down filled pillows. Well when hell freezes over that will happen. As it is she was kind and generous enough to release her down comforter (yes that IS love) in favor of a not quite as fluffy "alternative" (flat cotton that costs to much, yes that is love). But the pillow. She does not hug or hold me all night, she hugs that damn thing as if releasing it would allow the monsters under the bed AND in the closet to launch a simultanious attack.
So I'll walk around feeling like I'm talking under water until we come to an understanding. Or I break out the sinus medications. One way or the other Pharmaceutical companies everywhere will rejoice in my weekness and our fine feathered friends will continue to recoil at the scent of death on the flesh of my beloved. AAAHHH it's good to be alive.
On another note.
Some of you are vaguely familiar with the hear wrenching love of my life who does not happen to be the lover that I am currently wrestling over down pillows with. I am in a poly relationship which for me is most new and unusual. It offers certain purks that I take no advantages of except the rare occasions that I have permission to lip-lock and coo yummies with certain women that the Lover has ok'ed. It's not a bad deal really. Mostly. However things have taken an interesting turn.
My ex is coming in to town and I want to take her for tea.
My ex is that person that sits in your heart and makes it beat when you think of them ten years after they are gone. My ex is an amazing phenominon. My ex is working her way into that field known as friend. And we will have tea next week. And the Lover is going to engage in sexual activities with someone else and when we collide into each other over flat cotton faux down comforters and sneeze inducing pillows we will wearily evaluate the unspoken feelings of the other. Either that or we'll come home and fuck like monkeys because we didn't release with someone else. Or we will fight because insecurity and jealousy work thier way into the bedroom far more often than anyone wants to admit.
I've never EVER done this before. I've never been non-monogamous. I've never been involved with an ex on any leve when there was "someone new". I've never had my current tell me that if I needed to fuck her I could *insert uncomfortable wiggle from both parties here* but to remember where I belong. How ODD.
I'm not sure what to do with this. It's amazing to feel like I have this kind of power and yet I am not sure I have the maturity and the desire to hold this much power.
Is that the reason I am monogamous? Because it's easier?
But is it really?
I don't know.
I have heard words and ideas tossed about casually regarding this subject.
Who wants to launch into a discussion that will enlighten ENLIGHTEN me.
Enlighten me.

Please.

I'm so damn happy I could cry. I'm so confused I could spin off into the ether. I'm bored as hell (not with my sex life but with everything else in life) and I need a good long bath and a cup of liquid Lithium

Thank you for your time.
You just earned 8 Karma points.

HEHEHE

2005-12-08T03:11:01Z

Get ?</b>
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Xmas pressie predictor
Big wooly jumper knitted by	eyes_of_peitho
Pair of Socks from	lady_saffir
Bottle of Whiskey from	shimmeringjemmy
Cd from	ariche
Something Cuddly from	tygeressdenacht
Something Intoxicating from	qadriya
Something Silly from	deadjade
Something Funny from	isomeme
Lump of coal from	recycled_heart5
Something Pretty from	elemirion
Something Shiny from	anubis75
Something Naughty from	cali_nic
Something Smelly from	deathdolly
Something Breakable from	magdalena_lvx
Something Useful from	lordandrei
Something not useful from	selyndria
The Black and Decker Tool Kit from	blackielawless
Livejournal account from	qadriya
The Make-up Bag from	pupgrrl
Stack of DVDs from	isomeme
Something Geeky from	recycled_heart5

I have the worst cold ever

2005-12-06T23:19:38Z

And it does not want to go away.
I have been semi-comatose since Friday night. UGH! It's that unrelenting painintheass kind of cold.
It's absolutely draining. And I'm doing some homeopathic stuff that has held it at bay but still...
I'm relatively disfunctional.

blunami @ 2005-12-06T15:12:00

2005-12-06T23:12:09Z

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In November anubis75 and I robbed a bank (-50 points). In August I didn't flush (-1 points). Last month I bought porn for recycled_heart5 (10 points). In May I pushed deadjade in the mud (-17 points). Last week I got in line at the supermarket at the same time as someone else and I didn't yield (-8 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-66 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!

Sincerely,
blunami

blunami @ 2005-11-24T14:20:00

2005-11-24T22:21:45Z

I'm grateful for all of my bretheren!
Happy Day of Gratitude.
Love through it all

Happy horrodays

2005-11-23T17:50:45Z

Dear reader
I'll save you from the onslaught of fury that runs like a wild river from my mouth into the world this time of year. I'll instead sit here and share with you the fact that I have succumbed to only ONE sinfull holiday indulgence. Hot sticky buns. OMG!
Nothing quite like this on earth. Realy. You can tell me nonono chocolate this or chocolate that or whatever but I'll tell you there is NOTHING like the decadence of hot sticky buns. Warm, melting gobbs of thick caramel smothered over hot fresh cinamin rolls and topped with a treeful of chopped pecans.
It is almost as good as sex at a women's play party in San Francisco... oh that is for another day.
*grin*
I don't like holidays. My family laments the death of my mother as if it happened yesturday (it happened ten years ago and yes I miss her but c'mon can we please get a little current with our misery?) She drank herself to an ugly death alone, broke, smelly, rotting, zombified,and it was tragic. Very tragic. Her demise happened on December 23rd. Bad timing. But it was also ten years ago and though I miss her each day I won't let that stop me from thoroughly enjoying my moments. But holidays....
well they just roar through my wallet like I roar through life and leave me feeling tired and wondering how to pay my car payment in January because I blew the cash on people who re-gift the crap I bought them because we all know it was done to save face not to share love.
This year I plan on shopping for the people I really like a LOT just because I can and want to and to hell with the creepy suck-ups who just want to feel errogantly popular as if we were still in high school.
What do you want for kissmyass?