blunami

O. and i are lifestylers. We are hard players and invested in the sanctity of our relationships as a D/s relationship. That doesn't mean that i am not bitchy some days or that she finds herself sometimes incpapble of giving explicit and direct information or direction. We are human. Fallible, beautiful creatures full of piss and blood and a river of obscene words. We are so amazing in our filth and our flesh and our love and the laughter and joy that we allow to well up and out of us as we play.
We are all of the metaphors that any poet has ever tried to use to contain the incredible and often indescribable people that we are.

Yesterday we were able to get out of the house, away from the chores and the textbooks and the millions of "things to do". We went to MAsT for a meeting and had a great time listening and sharing and connecting with everyone. It was good to sit in a room of people who think like we think and act like we act in one way or another. I enjoy sharing my ways with others. She enjoys feeling strong and proud of who we are and what we do.
What I realized at the MAsT meeting was that I have changed. I have grown. I am different. I went through a period of several years where anger, fear, deep and serious resentments, clouded my ability to truly surrender completely to Ma'am. We have talked about these things at length but often She struggled to understand, which was fine. It was not always easy for me to understand my own feelings about things. But we got through it. I had to turn to my spiritual basics and work through my fears, angers, insecurities, and intense resentments spiritually so that I could surrender myself to Ma'am the way we both wanted me to. And it worked. She is not connected to "god" in the same manner that I try to be but she gets the IT of life. And that's what counts. Anyway, this is the short version of the reason why spirituality is so vital to me as a person, a woman, and a submissive. If I cannot or do not have my feet firmly planted in the foundations of my Spirit, then I cannot allow my spirit to be controlled.
Simple but noooooooooooot easy. On with our day....

After MAsT (and the dinner afterward) we went to The Academy for a play party. It started off slow and we were feeling almost disappointed in the lack of attendance. We had been looking forward to hanging out with friends and watching some hot play. When we arrived there were some annoying young women bouncing around a little TO MUCH and some femmes who were almost to femme to be able to speak to anyone. *yawn* those kind of people bore me to tears. I almost asked to leave but just as i was going to do so Ma'am suggests we get things going and play.

Ok.

So we pick a funny shaped chain spider web thing that is directly attached to the cement wall (pretty cool effect) and began. Neither of us were sure where the play would lead as I haven't been interestd in "intense sensation" for a long time. I have found it boring and have lacked the energy bring eroticism into pain for my pleasure. And while She likes to play with me and will do whatever i want her to do with me, i still have to connect with her and sex and the juiciness of what we do and I have struggled with that.

But She flogged me hard and that felt good and i felt warmed up and ready for more. Some folks had gathered and were watching the only two dykes at the party play. We did not give them a show, we aren't like that. What we did do was play. She was able to single tail me (and leave lasting marks which hasn't happened in years) and do our favorite new thing, the net zipper, on my breasts. That left the entire room quivering and I swear the bathroom was busy for an hour afterwards (men and their fantasies?)

By the time we were done there was a house full of straight, young, pro and lifestyle players. They all looked like they walked out of a comic magazine or a bad night at Club Hell.
*shrugs* I can either judge them or talk to them.

So off I go to talk.

And I met some great folks. All nice and focused on this way of living. All learning and trying to figure out where they belong in this deal called life. All wandering through the myriad of choices we are given. All people. Piss and blood and hopes.

We went home feeling satisfied and full and when we crawled in bed exhausted it was to hard NOT to smile at our amazing day wallowing in D/s and joy.

It is not so often anymore that i pause to relish the act of serving. i am a 24/7 boislave. i resisted the use of the word slave for years for many reasons:

1. As i began exploring service/submission i refused to be what "i" thought a "slave" was, so utterly subserviant, so voiceless, so "weak". Little did i know or understand.

2. i did not find the need to be anything other than a boi. It is my core.

3. She had a slave and did not need another. Besides a handful of a boi was quite enought.

4. slave still tasted bad in my mouth. History and my white, small town education made the word feel ugly, slimy, and degrading.

5. At the time i was the owner of my will. It was free. It was MINE. And i wanted to keep it that way.

In the five yrs since She placed a permanant collar on my neck and called me Hers i have learned a few things.

You CAN harness the wind. It's done all the time with windmills. Her windmill is a nice peice of chain with a black padlock on it. It fits well, hasn't rusted yet, and harnessess an energy that many have tried but NONE could harness before Her.

The word slave can mean and does mean many MANY different things. It is not up to me to decide what or how anyone defines the word for themselves. My working definition is "the human property of Her to be used when, how, where, and why She wishes." Do i still have a "will"? Yes. Do i desire to release it? Yes. To Her? After it has been gone over by my HGA (Holy Guardian Angel). It makes sense that my spiritual life should be just a breath above my surrender to Her. For it is in the surrender to what is Higher that i can indeed surrender to Her my all.

And so today i am called by Her a boislave. i live and have lived for a while now, the life of a slave as She defines it. i am Hers. i am owned and operated by Her. i live for Her pleasures and desires. i make myself a better human not only so that i am a better human but so that i am a better human for and with Her.

The day after Folsom we will celebrate our official 5 yr collaring anniversary. It is a precious day for U/us. W/we had never intended things to be as they are, which is why it is so beautiful. Five years ago W/we agree'd i would be Her VERY part time submissive, that i would have a freedom to live my sexual life as i was and as i wanted and that it would NOT be part of what i had with Her. That changed and evolved to the place where i now sit, in a silent office in Her house, wearing Her collar as well as Her ring on "the finger". i am not allowed nor do i desire to service, serve, pleasure, or in any way submit to anyone but Her. i do periodically have the honor of topping another but that is becoming very rare as well. i think i'd miss that more if i had the experience of it as a leather dyke but i have not. Before Her i was a sex top, hard into the scene of dirty but still vanilla sex at clubs. Dirty, hot, racy sex but NOT leather sex. And i was NOT about to spread anything other than my lips in a smile for anyone.

Today i study ardently. i live ardently. i work ardently. i serve with honor, grace, dignity, and respect.

The "boi" sometimes still gets a bit wild. The wind not ALWAYS tamed. She's working on that, as am i.

i am happy.